People think you can only love one person. That’s not true. There are two types of love; the forever kind and the always kind.
Forever love means you can’t live without that person. When you close your eyes the image you see is the two of you holding hands, sitting on the porch, and watching your grandchildren playing in the yard. You look over, smile, and whisper “we’ve lived a good life.”
Always love means you keep that person in your heart. They’ve done something for you to make you realize who you are. This person means so much to you and lives in your heart.
One night of truth.
One night of passion.
But all of that was taken in one night and I’m left alone.
I’m fighting to breathe and holding onto the tiniest shred of hope I have. It’s a losing battle and I’m not sure how much more I can take. Every day is a struggle. That night still haunts me and I see his face. It’s been two years and slowly I’m piecing my life back together.
Until one secret throws my life offbeat again.
I’m Bayleigh Murphy, and this is my story, my journey of forever and always.
People say you fall in love only once, and when you find that love you have to hold on tight and never let go. They say when you look into the eyes of love your heart beats wild and free; nothing else matters. The air around you becomes too thick and unless you’re holding on to love’s hand, you’ll suffocate. That love is the most important thing, and your reason to wake up with a smile on your face.
When we first met, I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love. You were this little boy with bright blue eyes and brown hair. I went to my mom and told her I found Prince Charming. For seven years you stayed by my side and were my best friend. On my 12th birthday, you asked me to be your girlfriend and that was the best gift ever. You’ve been my light, my reason, for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wonder what life will be like without you and I can’t imagine it. We’ve been through so much together and have stood by each other’s side. I never needed to date other guys and you never doubted your love for me.
The thing is… Sometimes love isn’t enough; the most powerful feeling in the world, the one feeling people want to experience, just can’t fix everything.
That’s the problem when bad things happen to good people.
I don’t even know where to start. I could go on and on about how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I can tell you that you’re my world and the very reason I can breathe. You’ve fixed my heart so many times, but this time you can’t.
I have to let you go. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how else to tell you this, because I know if I look into your blue eyes I’ll take back everything. I know you think I’m selfish, but I’m doing this for you. You deserve the world. You deserve someone who isn’t broken. I’m giving you the chance to live again without worrying about me. I won’t ask you to wait for me and I won’t promise you I’ll get better, because I don’t know when or if I will. I know that if I make that promise you’ll stop living your life and wait around for me. I can’t allow that to happen.
The problem with making promises is that there’s no guarantee they can be kept. Promises set up expectations, and expectations leads to disappointment and resentment. That’s why I have to do this, so you don’t miss out on your life.
Please find someone who’ll bring the light back into your eyes…for me. She’s going to be the luckiest girl, because you’re an amazing guy. The past seventeen years have been magical and I’ll never let go of everything we’ve experienced together.
Please don’t hate me. I beg this of you. I want you in my life. You’re my best friend and that’s something I can’t let go of. My love for you will remain and maybe one day, if I get better, we can find our way again. Until then I need you to move on and be happy; the way you’re supposed to live. I need you to understand my reasoning for this letter, and when you’re ready to talk to me, I’ll be here.
There will never be a day that I don’t think about you. I love you so much, Tyler Scott. You’ll continue to be the reason my heart beats, forever.
I hold the letter in my hands, reading the words through my blurry vision. The pain in my chest rips through and the madness in my head is spiraling out of control. My eyes search the letter. Maybe she wrote something to give me a clue that she just needs space and she doesn’t truly mean what she’s written. Girls are like that. They’ll say one thing and mean something totally different. Bayleigh is the queen of being secretive and tries hard to hide how she really feels from me. The only time I can get her to open up is when we’re face to face. Throughout the years I’ve studied her. I know her inside and out. I think I know her more than she knows herself. That’s why I know this letter isn’t what she feels. It’s a fucking copout.
At first I don’t panic. I read the letter again and try to picture her playing a joke or doing something funny. A smile is on my face when I call the front desk, asking if there are any other letters or packages for me. They confirm this is it and ask if I need anything else. I hang up the phone and open the door, looking both ways down the hall, wondering if she’s going to jump out and say gotcha.
Closing the door, I sit back down and read the letter again. This time I believe that it’s real. I know nothing will change. Words don’t magically appear. In my head I know that, but I can’t admit it.
Did I do something wrong?
Did she find someone new?
Why is she doing this?
My world falls apart and I can’t sort out the feelings and raging emotions. I grit my teeth and nearly rip the letter apart. Setting it down on the table, I pace the hotel room, fuming with insane anger. My breathing is erratic and I can’t talk.
I imagine her writing the letter and the look of relief on her face. She wants this. She wants to leave me, and thinks I’ll let her and seventeen years go without a fight. Love is a powerful emotion. Our love is powerful, and we’ve been through too much to let it go.
“Ahh,” I scream. Lashing out I take my anger out on the couch and table, flipping them over. Glass smashes on the carpet and tears roll down my cheeks.
Turning, I see the letter again and pick it up. She wrote a fucking letter to break up with me. Stomping into the bedroom, I throw the pillows off the bed, ripping the comforter and sheets.
Red. All I see is red.
Consumed with anger, I stand in the room looking at the destruction caused by my rage. Sliding down the wall, I fall to the floor and try to calm down. Only there’s nothing calming me down. My heart is breaking. I’ve lost everything; my world, my heart and my soul.
Taking my cell phone out of my pocket, I call her. The call goes straight to voicemail.
Hi, you’ve reached…
I hang up and keep calling. After the eighth time, I decide to give her my own letter.
“I’m never letting you go. I’m the guy for you, Bayleigh Murphy, and that’ll never change. I will see you again.”
S.Moose is a New York Times and USA Today Bestselling author, living in Webster, NY with her family, friends, and shorkie, Charlie.
A 2011 St. John Fisher graduate, S.Moose loves to read and write. She enjoys getting lost in the fictional world and creating a place where readers can fall in love and swoon over the cute boys she brings to life. When she isn’t in her room in front of her computer or a book, she is with her family and friends being silly and enjoying life. She’s romantic at heart and loves anything with a happily ever after.
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